I didn't think it would be that hard. I've prepared myself for it, right? My sister, she chose her decision months ago. That this baby inside of her would be given a home and a life she can't provide. Okay, to be honest my thoughts were something like, "Good, you've finally made a rational decision with your life." She didn't want to hear whether anyone thought it was a good decision, a wrong decision, or anyone's opinion. This was the way it was, and that was that.

She had her yesterday morning 5:22 a.m., 6 pounds 4 ounces, 19 1/2 inches long, 13 cm head circumference. I didn't think my sister had a large support system here, and it's my duty as her sister to support her. I decide I will come see my sister and her baby in the hospital. I went around 12:30 in the afternoon. My sister has given her the 
name Evelyn Faith, the adoptive parents will be changing it to Carolyn Faith. My sister had a C-section, the same as with her 2 other children she no longer has. They gave her morphine, it made her loopy but didn't help the pain, so they gave her something else. After being there an hour, maybe a bit longer, my sister asked me to get her ice chips. I ran into a nurse, she told me they were sending all of my sister's visitors away. I told her "This is the ONLY time I'm seeing my niece!" She told me I was going to need to leave in 10 minutes. I started tearing up. I was going to have to say goodbye, to this perfect being that had just entered the world. I started saying goodbye, got a few more pictures, and left with my daughter in tow.

I started bawling the entire 25 minute drive back to my house. I called my mom on the way and all I could say was "It's so sad, it's just SO sad." Over and over again "It's just so sad."

Don't get me wrong I really believe this is the best for this baby, but of all of my nieces and nephews (Evelyn is my 6th) I only get to see occasionally 1 of them. My sister's first daughter's adoptive mom (sister got her taken away by social services the foster mom then adopted) let's me get pictures and we've seen each other a couple times now with the next visit coming in September. But I don't get to be the aunt I want to be. I want to take my nieces and nephews to the park, the zoo, museums, out for ice cream. But I'm not allowed, that privilege was taken away from me, first by my brother's ex-wife (she moved without leaving an address or anything), then my sister losing her rights to her first 2 kids, and now this.

This sweet baby who my sister was blessed with, already gone without even being able to really be a part of the family. Forever more there are 6 holes in my heart that can't be filled. I just didn't think it'd be that hard to say goodbye. It was just so sad.

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